WHY DO I RIDE FAST .....!!!!!

Why do I ride fast? Heck, ask them why do they drive slow? That’s what makes me crazy. What for do people pay taxes? Isn’t it for the government to make good roads so that you can reach office on time without getting stuck up in a traffic jam? People keep cuss about bad roads and poor traffic management in their city. But when the government does make good roads, people drive slow for some inane, incomprehensible reason. You know what, every morning I drive to office, I feel like taking out a T-90 tank and rolling over every vehicle that comes in my way. Nine out of ten times, it’s because of some a**hole deciding to drive well below the speed limit (which happens to be a pathetically, almost crawling, 50kmph) smack in the middle of the road, in neither his lane, nor mine.

I have these dreams. One day I’ll be the Surface Transport Minister of the country. First thing I’d do? Make people understand what those white dotted lines on the roads are meant for. Tell them life on the road would be much easier if they decide to drive in lanes some day in the near future. Indians have this weird tendency to create 4 lanes out of 2, 5 lanes out of 3 and so on. Try going to Noida via the Kalindi Kunj barrage sometime around 8pm on a weekday. You’ll understand exactly what I mean.

I have a few radical solutions in mind. These would of course be applied only when I take over the ministry sometime soon. If these ideas, by any chance, solve Delhi’s traffic woes, I’d try to take them to other states as well (metros in particular). So here I go…

1. Indians do not understand what lanes are meant for. I’d teach them the hard way. All lanes now would not be marked just by white paint, but by solid steel barriers. This would make people learn to drive in their own freaking lanes without hopping continuously from one to another as if they are playing a video game. But this cannot continue forever. The barriers would be removed from time to time to check if they actually have learnt lane-driving or not. If not, the barriers would be back in place. The finer details of putting up the barriers without causing any major trouble would of course be discussed before implementing the plan.
2. There would not be an upper speed limit anymore. Instead, there would be lower speed limits. For e.g. If you want to drive not slower than, say, 80kmph, take the right most lane. Any one found to be driving slower than their lane speed limit would of course be prosecuted.
3. I’ll collaborate with the I&B ministry to make a law that would make it mandatory for mobile phone buyers to purchase a hands-free kit. Mobile phone outlets would be given strict instructions to adhere to the law. It’s really annoying to see a driver riding along at a snail’s pace with his cell phone stuck on his ear and completely oblivious of the agony of the driver behind him and the honking going on.
4. Driving licenses will not be “sold” anymore, nor would they be distributed like laddu-peda in a langar. I got my driving license after giving a stringent driving test and I want all others to “earn” it the same way. I’d go to the extent of paying surprise visits to the RTO in the midst of these tests. Girls would not be given any special treatment because they seemingly are the biggest hazards to the safety of other drivers. Rarely do I see a lady driving in the proper lane, giving any indicators whatsoever and usually suffocating their car’s engines by driving slower than I can cycle.

I guess if the problem of illegal driving licenses is solved, to an extent all the other problems would take care of themselves.

5. Although I’d like to completely ban sub-150cc bikes (sub 20BHP bikes would be even better), but since they are good for the environment, easier on the pocket and allows one to move through the traffic faster than a car, I’d rather keep this decision under wraps. But seriously, if riders of 200cc Pulsars and Karizmas don’t dare to move faster than 60kmph, how can you expect someone riding a Splendor to move at 80kmph? Anyway, this problem is also somehow related to the first one. When everyone knows which lane they’re supposed to drive in, I guess there won’t be a need to ban the little creatures.
6. All auto-rickshaw drivers would literally be shot-at-sight if found driving in a lane not meant for them (read “fast moving lanes”). They are the biggest traffic chokers and a real nuisance on the road. It really kills me to see two auto wallahs battling it out for supremacy on the road, one moving at 30kmph and the other one trying hard to overtake him, although he’s moving no faster than 32kmph. This deadly overtaking maneuver might take a few eons and the process completely disrupts the traffic behind them leading to honks and high blood pressures and in my case, a fit of rage.
7. Bus-stops oh bus-stops. A Delhiite might give you a dumb look if you say this word in front of him. But it’s not his fault. There really are no bus stops in Delhi. All that the bus drivers do is slam the brakes as soon as they reach a certain point decided by the government, supposedly known as a bus stop. But I warn you, they would not mind giving any sort of an indication that they are about to stop which at times results in hapless cars and bikes crashing behind them and breaking their headlamps. I tell you, these bus drivers are completely immune to all the cursing these helpless drivers throw their way. Try Nehru Place to witness the true fury of the killer blue lines being unleashed. That place is a mess I tell you.

I am going to spend a major part of my budget upgrading the “bus-stops” and providing more space for them so that the buses don’t actually stop on the road.

That’s more than enough for now I guess… the 100cc bike riders would already be waiting to rip me apart for maligning their clan. I know these solutions seem a bit harsh, although I deem them necessary and someday will prove revolutionary. I certainly hope that I become the minister before the 2010 Commonwealth Games so that Delhi presents itself to the world as a truly world class city.

Suggestions and comments are most welcome of course ....